Sunday, February 9, 2020

THE OFFICIAL SHORT STACK OF 2019 ALBUMS

A "short stack" is defined as 61 pancakes or less. That said, here is our official short stack of 2019 beginning with #1, winner of this year's Pulizter Prize and nicknamed by fans as "The Teal Album."
In 2003, the Library of Congress placed "The Teal Album" in the National Recording Registry as "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant". Professor Kevin Dettmar, writing in The Oxford Encyclopedia of British Literature, described it as "the most important and influential rock-and-roll album ever recorded."

Since it would be unfair to rank "The Teal Album" (a.k.a. the "Citizen Kane of rock") among the multitude of inferior LPs from 2019, we shall cut these guys a break and present the 61 best albums of 2019 that weren't "The Teal Album."

61. American Football American Football

I live in the American Football house. This is what my girlfriend and I have done with the porch: https://www.reddit.com/r/Emo/comments/91oxh2/i_live_at_the_american_football_house_this_is/



60. Pendant Through a Coil

Melodic scream-drone brood sort of.



59. Radiohead MiniDiscs [Hacked]

We guess it goes without saying that 35 hours of OK Computer-era outtakes, skeletal structures, bong rips, Sublime covers, four hours of Longmont Potion Castle calls to Alanis Morrisette and Michael Stipe, three hours of jamming on pots-and-pans, and two hours of Ed O'Brien's field recordings of himself taking massive dumps are still 99999x more fascinating than anything anyone in Radiohead worked on from 2010 to 2019.

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/radiohead-minidiscs-hacked-ok-computer-guide-847277/

58. Lil B Loyalty Casket

Not sure if he does this at every show, but Lil B said "I think wanna move to New Haven" about 7 times the other night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChJ1_B-VJ3A

57. Lizzo Cuz I Love You

Sup Lizzo. Remember us? We were pumping "Batches and Cookies" back in 2013 so you're welcome and congrats on the Time "Person Of The Year" cover story.



56. Whitney Forever Turned Around

LP1 was one of our neglected fuck-ups from earlier in the decade. Shoulda placed top 20 in whatever year that was. So this placement is kinda like when SPIN used to make up for similar errors like forgetting As Good As Dead and making up for it by placing the inferior Pack Up The Cats two years later, or egregiously omitting Dookie and making up for it by placing the overrated Insomniac a year later. Same thing.



55. Potty Mouth SNAFU

Gesundheit



54. Tool Fear Inoculum

2019: Tool memes are back.




53. Desert Sessions Desert Sessions Volume 11 & 12

Technically one-and-a-half desert sessions, but who's counting?



52. Sebadoh Act Surprised

no you



51. Carly Rae Jepsen Dedicated

Call me gravy



50. Tropical Fuck Storm Braindrops

They put the word "fuck" in their name. It's crazy that no one has thought of this yet.



49. Casey Veggies Organic

3 tablespoons butter, 1/3 cup onion, diced, 1 poblano pepper seeded and diced, 1 jalapeño seeded and finely diced, 2 cloves garlic minced, 1 teaspoon chili powder, 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1/4 teaspoon cumin, 1/8 teaspoon red pepper (cayenne pepper), 2 tablespoons whole-wheat flour, 1 cup milk, 2 cups cheese, freshly grated (Monterey Jack, Grand Cru, or another mild white cheese), 1 tomato, finely diced, 1 cup spinach, fresh, cut into ribbons, Melt the butter in a medium sauté pan over medium heat. Add the onion and both diced peppers and cook while stirring occasionally until the veggies soften, about 4 to 5 minutes. Add the garlic and other spices to the pan and cook for 1 more minute, Sprinkle in the flour and stir vigorously until the mixture begins to darken but does not burn, about 1 to 2 minutes. Whisk in the milk, continue whisking to break up any lumps, allow it to thicken just slightly, and then turn off the heat. Sprinkle in the cheese, stir with a spoon until it melts completely, and then gently mix in the diced tomato and chopped spinach. Serve warm with veggies and/or chips.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55LDy5JlBx0

48. Zig Zags They’ll Never Take Us Alive

At the end of the day, Satan ain't such a bad guy.



47. Coughy Ocean Hug

Sumatra



46. L.O.T.I.O.N. Multinational Corporation World Wide W.E.B.

The show was over at last
A lot of people met the rock band
The lead singer of Lotion wasn't nice at all
He was a stupid jerk
But otherwise, the show was terrific



45. Spice Boys Speed 2

A computer hacker breaks into the computer system of the Seabourn Legend cruise liner and sets it speeding on a collision course into a gigantic oil tanker.



44. Mister Goblin Is Path Warm?

R.I.P. to Paths Of Glory star Kirk Douglas. You know something, if Kirk Douglas married Phyllis Kirk, and she divorced him and married Douglas Fairbanks Jr, and married Justice William O'Douglas, she'd be Phyllis Kirk Kirk Douglas Douglas Douglas.



43. Dead Heat Certain Death





42. Sunn 0))) Life Metal

Eins. Here comes the Sunn 0)))
Zwie. Here comes the Sunn 0)))
Drei. Sie ist der hellste Stern von allen
Vier. Here comes the Sunn 0)))
(English translation) The band are all full-time grim reapers so the album title is misleadingly ironic.



41. Blood Incantation Hidden History of the Human Race

4 months ago i quietly left 57 dvds of 'click' at my parents' house and they've still never noticed or mentioned it



40. Wilco Ode To Joy

you telling me a shrimp fried this rice



39. Slipknot We Are Not Your Kind





38. Ex Hex It’s Real

Johnny Thunder only happens when it's raining / Sometimes Johnny Thunder don't know the deal / It's real
#poetry



37. Nudie Mag Demo 2019

There's something important I was supposed to do today... Have five dacaris? No, I remembered to do that. What's today? October?



36. Curse Word Your Name

The curse is lifted; thank you Based God. (Also acceptable: "The wish is granted; Long live Jambi.")



35. Never Ending Game Just Another Day

Breaking News At This Hour: In an historic legal settlement, Starbucks is now sponsoring the NYHC collective known as Madball due to their use of their band name in a secret menu item called The Medicine Ball. The settlement guarantees Madball free Medicine Balls for life with free optional peppermint shots. We'll have more on this after headlines.



34. Holy Serpent Endless

Medicinal marijuana trench for bloodshot dragons only.



33. Lightning Bolt Sonic Citadel

Mrs. Chippendale: "Brian, why do you have to hide behind that awful mask all the time? Why don't you show your handsome face like all the other drummers?"
Brian: "God, you just don't get it mom!"
Mrs. Chippendale: "Well I thought your mask could use a nice washing so I cleaned it off for you!"
Brian: "What do you mean you cleaned it?? What!?"



32. (Sandy) Alex G House of Sugar

In America, first you get the sugar. Then you get the power. Then you get the weiner.



31. Big Bite Trinity

We knew these guys back before the label made them change their name from Big Butt.



30. Earl Sweatshirt Feet Of Clay

Still "Artist of the Decade." Still not friendly.



29. Grip Snubnose

Shots fired.



28. DaBaby KIRK

Kirk Funk



27. Spellling Mazy Fly

a-n-g-l-o-p-h-i-l-i-a
c-o-r-t-i-l-e
e-u-o-n-y-m



26. Kim Gordon No Home Record

X-Girl 4 life



25. Riot City Burn The Night

no you



24. Chromatics Closer To Grey

My whole existance is flay. You get me closer to grey.



23. ShittyBoyz 3-Peat

They must be pretty shitty, but how shitty are they?



22. Les Filles de Illighadad Les Filles de Illighadad

We knew it would take a while to get to the front of the line at the DMV so we set up the PA and blasted the fuck out of the reissue of the self-titled Les Filles de Illighadad. No one was yelling "yo shut the fuck up" but instead they were just nodding their heads like "yo mmm yea oh oooh mmmm."



21. Neil Young + Crazy Horse Colorado

In other news this hour, the Denver airport conspiracies continue to astonish and bewilder its patrons. Special correspondent Roy Wood Jr is on the scene. Roy, what can you tell us about the Denver Airport conspiracy? ... Roy, are you there? ...




20. Stephen Malkmus Groove Denied

I give.



19. Lil B The Hunchback Of Basedgod

You could say Lil B is "Easy on the Eyes."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgkp9uIQ6c4

18. Ute Wassermann, Jaap Blonk and Michael Vorfeld Wassermann, Blonk & Vorfeld

Splinks



17. Maneka Devin

We got platnium nuts, a little louder, we got platinum nuts, I can't hear you, we got platinum nuts, what what what, we got platinum platinum platinum platinum *Screeeeeeeech* hold up hold up hold up



16. Purple Mountains Purple Mountains

All of my margaritas are gone



15. YG 4REAL 4REAL

For real, those are some serious tats. (Tats not pictured.)



14. Freddie Gibbs & Madlib Bandana

More candy please. Stole my heart and left me blue. Looks like crime pays to you.



13. Fuming Mouth The Grand Descent

Guys, I have great news: I used all of the band fund money to buy a gun.



12. Tyler The Creator IGOR

Actually it's pronounced "Eye-gore." But they told me it was "Igor." Well they were wrong then weren't they?



11. Fury Failed Entertainment

Gang vox, check. Palm mute, check. Nasty riff, check. Ok, we're good.



10. Hatchie Keepsake

Get a little bit obsessed.



09. Beak> Life Goes On

Life's a bitch and then you keep living.



08. Palehound Black Friday

Astronomer Noah Brosch has speculated that the name of the character Sirius Black from the Harry Potter stories, who has a unique ability to transform into a black dog, might have been inspired by "Sirius B," first observed in 1864 by Alvan Graham Clark.



07. Denzel Curry ZUU

Special appearance by Elvis Durand and the Z-Morning ZUU. #PRANKCALLS #YEAHBABY #MMMBEER



06. Wolf Whistle Private Hell

Lumberjacks union theme songs.



05. Jocko Expression

Vinyl release was 2019 so this is fair game. We don't make the rules.



04. Glitterer Looking Through The Shades

You haven't really acted before until you've acted wearing face glitter.



03. DaBaby Baby On Baby

Happy 10th Birthday to Justin Bieber's "Baby" video, holder of the "Most Disliked Youtube Video of Alltime" distinction from its release in 2010 until December 2018, and briefly surpassed by Rebecca Black's "Friday" upon its release in 2011. It now holds the 2nd place distinction behind YouTube Rewind 2018: Everyone Controls Rewind. We will not be linking to any of these videos here.



02. Otoboke Beaver Itekoma Hits

Feel the power. It's a new day, yes it is.



01. Young Guv GUV I & II

Old Dirty Guv strikes again.


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