20 Worst Songs Of 2010

There's a few really really horrible songs from this year that I totally hated but whose names I cannot recall... whatever. let's do this...

The song titles are youtube links...

20. Owl City “Fireflies”
Yo, fuck this dude. "Fireflies" somehow elluded our writers as among the worst of 2009, but it's been determined that this is worse than "My Humps" or anything by Nickelback... It's arguably the worst song of the entire 2000 to 2009 decade. This is currently up for debate. What we do know at this time: A few songs on last year's worst-of list eventually ended up actually growing in the lulz category.. and lulz still count for something. For example, every song by Ke$ha... or like BrokeNCyde for example... If a song is hilarious, even if it's terrible, it contains merit. "Fireflies" has no humor whatsoever. Only annoyance. It probably should have been last year's #1 (although we still stand by "Ain't No Rest For The Wicked" as our choice overall...)

19. Angelina Pivarnick “I’m Hot”

The bitch is back! Watch out guys! You thought you could get rid of her, but she's still here! Or that's probably what she thought would happen by trying to go viral with this guido-humor meta-tongue-in-cheek whatever it's supposed to be...

18. Kid Rock “Born Free”

The vocals are the real deal breaker here, which is a shame since this is hardly Bob's worst song... But Jesus... I have a feeling this dude's singing on full blast could shatter all the ice on my driveway. In fact, I might try that later.

17. Enrique Iglesias feat. Ludacris “Tonight (I’m Fucking You)”
Excellent subtlety. You win Enrique.

16. Santana feat. Scott Stapp “Fortunate Son”
Santana's guitar style hasn't changed in 40 years, so that's hardly anything cringeworthy that we haven't heard before. For all intents, "Fortunate Son" sounds exactly the same as everything on that huge record from late '99 which was probably Clive Davis produced if I had to take a guess without referring to wikipedia... However the immortal Stapp does what Rob Thomas never could, taking that bull by the horns and riding it into that certain area of the stratosphere just above the garbage dumps of New Jersey. Halfway through this banger, Stapp starts doing some "funky vocal improvisation" which really gives the track that extra zing. Santana ended up cutting this from the final tracklisting and included "Fortuante Son" as a bonus track/download only type of thing. Stapp got bummed about this and he called up Santana crying, "Why Santana?? Why'd ya do it, huh??" There was no one on the other end because Stapp was too drunk to dial the phone. Poor Stapp.

15. Bruno Mars “Just The Way You Are”
I kinda feel bad making fun of Bruno Mars because he's probably just a normal dude with a lame hat that his record company forced him to wear so that he doesn't look quite so ordinary. The drums are the only slightly sorta passable element of this song... Everything else is just annoyingly contrived and calculated.. The chick in this video is super hot, which is somehow also annoying due to the shittiness of the song. Sorry Bruno Mars. Put out some good music and then you won't end up in the worst-of list anymore. Simple enough.

14. Orianthi “According To You”
A few weeks after Michael Jackson died, I recall CNN's Wolf Blitzer presenting The Situation Room with "Breaking News" regarding a tape from the last rehearsal session for Michael Jackson's "This Is It" tour. They showed the clip probably 15 times over the next 3 hours. The clip ended up being used in the movie, and Orianthi was the blonde chick playing guitar who kinda stood out amongst everyone else (besides MJ obviously). It was only a matter of time before she was given a recording contract to release a bunch of "Since You Been Gone" ripoffs. "According to you, I'm ugly. But according to me, I'm attractive. But according to her, I'm happy. But according to him, I'm sad. But according to Mom, I'm good. But according to Dad, I'm bad."

13. Jackyl “Just Like A Negro”
Apparently Jackyl are friends with members of the band Mother's Finest, a rock group of funky black dudes who originally recorded this in the 70's. But since nobody knows this is a cover, Jackyl ends up looking racist as shit. To be honest, this song isn't completely vile, but is mostly here based on principle. I mean, honestly... Who do they think they're kidding?

12. Lil Wayne feat. Nicki Minaj “Knockout”

Lil Wayne picked up a guitar and the 1st four chords he learned just happened to be the same four chords in Avril Lavigne's "Sk8erboi." Nicky Minaj just happened to be hanging out in the studio down the hallway. They made up a shitty uninspired chorus on the spot, and a future classic is born. Apparently that's all it takes...

11. Big Time Rush “Halfway There”
More boy-band shit... House music's recent huge influence on the Top 40 has resulted in boy bands sounding more gay-friendly than ever. Lou Pearlman is now watching this video from prison planning his escape Shawshank style, digging with a spoon and chanting to himself, "I must pound that ass." He's motivated. I'll bet this happens in 2011. EDIT: Apparently they have their own TV show on Nickelodeon like The Monkees. I swear I'm not that out of touch.. Back in like 1986, Nick used to show The Monkees every afternoon. Now they show Big Time Rush. I'm not that old. I swear to gald.

10. The Ready Set “Love Like Woe”
I don't care if I'm dating myself. It happens. So yeah, the story goes like this: As a 5th grader back in 1990, it was cool for boys to hate New Kids On The Block, calling them "gay" or whatever.. We were little kids. It was 1990 and we didn't know any better. It just made sense, even though I secretly had a "greatest hits" mixtape that I enjoyed, comprised of their singles which I copied from the girls who lived next door who owned every NKOTB album. I would imagine the same situation is applying these days regarding Justin Bieber's relation to straight 12-year-old dudes who simply appreciate decent pop music. In a perfect world, "fight the real enemy" concepts apply. Why hate on Bieber when The Ready Set is obviously just so fucking appallingly worse?

9. Train “Hey Soul Sister”
After these results had been compiled, the Village Voice's list was noted as placing this song as the #1 worst song of 2010. Well, they were close. Oh by the way THERES AN ENTIRE BLOG DEDICATED TO HOW BAD THIS SONG IS.

8. Nickelback “This Afternoon”

I love muh country. I love muh guns. This was Nickelback's 9th Top 40 hit. My word, there's a lot of lovely ladies in this video, who strangely enough have a combined IQ of 10, which actually beats the number of singles that Nickelback's had in the Top 40 by 1 whole point. Congrats to the ladies. Don't forget to vote Palin in 2012.

7. Bo Burnham “Words Words Words”

This song didn't do too well chart-wise, which is a huge blessing since this dude was clearly trying to cash-in on the Owl City thing. In the odd case that it became a trend, we'd be in some BIG fucking trouble, people.

6. Timbaland feat. Katy Perry “If We Ever Meet Again”
This is the video where Timbaland can't keep his hand away from his chin, which was actually due to super glue getting stuck there, so it wasn't really his fault. As of 2011, I'd like to think most of the world's pop listening audience has come to accept auto-tune as a musical instrument in itself. Outstanding singles such as Daft Punk's "Digital Love" have effectively saved it from being forever associated with Cher, after people figured out the correct ways to use it. "If We Ever Meet Again" is a perfect example of how NOT to use auto-tune, as Timbaland does not seem to have the slightest clue what he's doing, turning a sloppily written verse into an even worse one, and setting us up for an outstandingly annoying chorus. The guest vocalist part is bland enough that it really could have been anyone at all, but ultimately Katy Perry was clearly chosen for the sole purpose of puttin' them big ol' titties in the video. Unfortunately, this is the same guy who produced such brilliance as "One In A Million" and "Pony." How the mighty have fallen...

5. Travie McCoy feat. Bruno Mars “Billionaire”
Good commentary on our nation's economic climate. For anyone who's reading along, it's probably obvious that I'm writing this while watching the videos.. I'm finding it amusing that Bruno Mars is lipsynching while making facial expression with his eyes closed and slightly nodding along to the music, which is normally expressed when a singer is really feeling the music deep down. I find this strange since "Billionaire" really contains no depth or soul whatsoever. Kids who are younger than 13 have an excuse.. Once upon a time I enjoyed that "I Wanna Be Rich" song even though it's (almost) equally abysmal.

4. Blood On The Dance Floor “Ima Monster”

Obviously targeting bi-curious teens who just saw Party Monster for the first time within the past year. If you don't think the chorus of this song is vomit, just give up on listening to music. Thanks to "Ima Monster," I'm starting to think Ke$ha's a genius. That's all I have for this one... Bland nothingness. Hardly merits a review.

3. Kid CuDi feat. Kanye West “Erase Me”
Each individual "sung" lyric is so off-key and sharp that it’s nearly equivalent to being stabbed in the eardrum. Method Man and Raekwon might as well add another torture method to their list... "I'll fuckin.. I'll fuckin.. Stab your eardrums with 'Erase Me' cranked all the way up. BLAAAA!!" If anyone would like to join, I’m considering contacting lawyers for a class-action lawsuit against Kid CuDi for assault of the ear. Honestly, Kanye’s verse in this isn’t even that great, but compared to the rest, it’s like having one’s head temporarily pulled out of the toilet for a few seconds of oxygen, only to have Kid CuDi’s voice push it back under for another 20 seconds right afterwards. This is what pain sounds like.

2. She & Him “In The Sun”
Wikipedia reveals that Zooey D descends from a well-known Hollywood family. Wow, you’re kidding? You mean she didn’t have to go through any kind of formal acting school or voice training to get where she is today? You’d never know it from listening to “In The Sun” which, based on her Kermit-The-Frog-esq vocal stylings, may or may not have been a tribute to 6th grade talent shows. Her voice also initially reminded me of a non-muppet as well, although it was hard to place until several months later, when I realized it was the giant-prosthetic-cheeks lady from Eraserhead who sings "In Heaven, Everything Is Fine." A side-by-side comparison might be necessary...


1. Artists For Haiti “We Are The World 25”

"We Are The World" was written by Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie over the course of something like 45 minutes... It's not an especially incredible song.. In fact, it's kinda lame and mediocre overall. But if there is any single aspect that made USA For Africa special, it was absolutely the performances. Kenny Rogers, Huey Lewis, Cyndi Lauper and Hall & Oates may not be big names in the charts these days, but their singing voices are still hugely recognizable, not to mention Dylan, Bruce, MJ, Stevie Wonder, Steve Perry, Tina Turner & Ray Charles... Everyone who even sorta knows pop music knows these voices. In the extreme opposite direction, Artists For Haiti succeeded in showing how great these original performances actually were, as the majority of the singers on the 2010 version sounds like the exact same voice, the exceptions being phoned-in awkwardness from the likes of Tony Bennett and Barbara Streisand among others.. Jamie Foxx does a Ray Charles impression for no apparent reason. Wyclef starts screaming out of nowhere. The autotune simply does not fit the song... There's no place for guitar solos in this without it sounding out of place. And when you think it can't get worse, here comes the banger outro rap unison section, featuring a who's who of the best rappers of 1996. Seven minutes of non-stop cringeworthy awkward moments, one after another.. That's really the best way to describe this shitpile.. Contributing to good causes through bad songs should really be illegal.