20 Worst Songs Of 2009

2009 was really a fantastic year for shitty, terrible radio singles. 1991 was probably the last time commercial radio suffered so horribly, partially due to the current trend of songs getting sold primarily due to their blatant sexual elements. The last time this trend really took off was between 1990 and 1991 (the 2 year period that gave us "Cherry Pie," "I Wanna Sex You Up," "Let's Talk About Sex," "I Touch Myself," "Do Me," "Me So Horny," "I'm Too Sexy," and the videos for Chris Isaac's "Wicked Game" and Billy Idol's "Rock The Cradle Of Love"). Obviously, this wasn't the only time sex showed up in song lyrics or was suggested through production elements, but it was the last time that subtlety meant truly nothing. And now 17 years later, we're pretty much back at that same cycle point. Only now it seems that mainstream subtlety may truly be dead, never to return. It sure is taking a while for that engine to turn over.

The other big shitty radio trend of the past year was "party anthems," the majority of which also incorporate blatant sexual overtones, often times alongside references to drinking and getting high. The following were the worst examples of how mainstream radio responded to these trends...

#20 Cobra Starship "Good Girls Go Bad"
I'll have to make a personal note about this one, as it's one of the rare cases of my entire life when a song played on the radio actually caused literal stomach pain, due to the short and odd little vibrato bits scattered throughout this mess. Sharp, stabbing pains. I was NOT happy.
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#19 3Oh!3 "Don’t Trust Me"
Truly, a product of Satan.
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#18 Jadakiss "Who’s Real"
The same guy who once sang "Why is Jadakiss as hard as it gets?" shit out one of the most annoying attempts to cash in on "keeping it real" ever released to radio. I'm sure the irony has been made painfully obvious to all the rappers involved by now.
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#17 Millionaires "I Love Money"
Millionaires were quoted in a 2008 interview stating "We’re showing kids that anyone can do this." Yes, this is correct.. Any talentless 16-year-old idiot can take 30 seconds out of their life to scribble out the first "naughty" lyrics that pop into their head, and then press "play" on a drum machine and sing-talk into a microphone. Oh wait a sec, they're reasonably attractive teenage sluts who sing about partying? If I owned a label, I'd have signed them too. Just throw them on the Warped Tour.. The people willing to actually pay to see that mess will literally eat any pile of shit you throw in front of them. It's easy money.
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#16 Pitbull "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)"
Worst video of 2009.. seriously, this video looks like it cost about $15. It's the music video equivalent of this album cover.
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#15 Next Stop Mars "HxPorn"
I can accept crunkcore, as long as I can accept denial itself: Oh boy! Crunkcore! Something new! So many song elements I've never heard performed quite in this way before!! And I've especially not heard them in every other hardcore band that's ever existed. And certainly never with sunglasses and fucking horribly gross haircuts. "HxPorn" is so catchy and timeless that it's truly a wonder these assholes haven't blown up yet. It's great to know that music really took some big steps forward in 2009. Next Stop Mars makes me so proud of our fair nation and not suicidal at all. That bottle of poison over there on the shelf is totally not staring at me right now. Nope! Not at all.
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#14 BrokeNCYDE "Freaxx"
I heard that Dick Cheney is a huge fan of BrokeNCYDE and that he specifically requested this song to be pumped from ghetto blasters on an endless loop while the CIA was waterboarding al-Qaeda suspects. Whoever said torture doesn't work?
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#13 Karl Wolf "Africa"
I feel embarrassed for this guy.. He sampled Toto's "Africa" as the chorus to a slow-down reggaeton track, apparently unaware that slowed-down reggaeton is no longer marketable for Top 40 radio. And I'm sure he thought this song was gonna be huge. LOL.
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#12 Flo Rida "Right Round"
Apparently, this is the correct way to sample an 80's hit in 2009, since "Right Round" did climb to #1 last Spring. Karl Wolf should've taken a note from Flo Rida. It's usually best to slightly alter the lyrics of the sampled song so that they're about receiving fellatio, and then have some random girl sing the second half of the chorus with altered lyrics about giving fellatio. And then tie the whole thing together with some verses that sound like you're taking a shit.
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#11 Kristina Debarge "Goodbye"
Huge trend for 2009: Sampling Steam's "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye." Well okay, maybe not a HUGE trend, but I'm pretty sure Jay-Z's "D.O.A." and Wale's "Chillin'" were released within the same month as "Goodbye." At the time, it sure seemed like an odd coincidence. Also, "Goodbye" is now probably the 2nd worst radio song to ever use the now overexposed drumbeat stolen from Rhianna's "S.O.S."
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#10 Britney Spears "If You Seek Amy"
And by happy coincidence, we end up here.. Probably the worst radio single to ever steal the now overexposed "S.O.S." drumbeat (which is actually the same drums from Gary Glitter's "Rock And Roll Part 2" but that's a 70's song.. nobody remembers..). Max Martin hit a homerun with "I Kissed A Girl" and Britney got all pissy that he didn't give the song to her, so she was all like "write me something that sounds like that" and this was the best they could come up with.*
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*This might not be true.

#09 Asher Roth "I Love College"
Asher Roth is a white rapper, in case anyone didn't notice. And also he write songs about drinking beer in college, as opposed to a white rapper like Bubba Sparxx who writes about the Dirty South. So obviously, Asher Roth is the next Eminem. I mean, come on.. They have so much in common. I mean... they're both white, right? And.. they both appeal to frat kids. Eminem wrote plenty of verses just like this one: "I love college. It's where you get your knowledge. You wake up, go to class, skip class, drink a beer, get drunk, skip a class, shoot up, go to class, get drunk, get high, get fucked up." I mean, come on.. It's like Slim Shady 2.0.

P.S. Mad props to Rivers Cuomo. Despite being bat-fucking-crazy, Rivers was still able to pull together enough sense to refuse licensing "Say It Ain't So" as the sample for "I Love College," which is probably the only cool thing he's done in the past 7 years.
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#08 3Oh!3 "Starstrukk"
I ALREADY TOLD YOU THEYRE THE PRODUCT OF SATAN AND I DO NOT FEEL LIKE REPEATING MYSELF TODAY. P.S. I have solid confirmation that these 2 dudes are baby molesters and should be locked up somewhere far, far away where they won't be able to hurt anymore harmless little babies.
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#07 Dolly Rockers "Je Suis Une Dolly"
This is actually a happy story, as I've read this group was already dropped from their label due to poor sales, and they clearly have no shot of achieving success in the United States, so they won't be getting signed over here. There is a God afterall.
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#06 Dan Black "HYPNTZ"
Seriously, is there a bigger tool than Dan Black anywhere on this green planet? I heard that around the time "HYPNTZ" was released, Biggy Smalls actually came back from the dead, just so he could shoot himself.
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#05 Seether "Careless Whisper"
I like that one part that's like "REERERRRRREREERRRRERRRRRRRR."
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#04 Ke$ha "TiK ToK"
Simply insufferable. This shit barely merits a review. How did this not make #1? ... Okay, so according to Wikipedia, it states that Ke$ha once broke into Prince's house because she was desperate to give him her mixtape CD, and she actually ended up passing it along to Prince, just before she got thrown out. I guess that's kinda cool.. although I'm not surprised he passed on it. Even that Carmen Electra album was better than this.
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#03 Hollywood Undead "Everywhere I Go"
Thank God, these guys showed up just in time.. It's been a little too long since some more shit-sandwiches about drinking and partying and smoking weed had fallen out of some Juggalos asses. Yeah, you read correctly. Juggalos figured out how to get signed. Which means their list of influences include one artist: ICP. It's pretty much as bad as you would expect. They even wear masks instead of face paint. Yuck.
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#02 Millionaires "Just Got Paid Let’s Get Laid"
December 21, 2012 can't come fast enough. Just kill us all please. We're just wasting here. There's no point in our civilization continuing to destroy the planet. Hey, maybe by 2012, Millionaires will actually be millionaires. How about that. Hm.
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#01 Cage The Elephant "Ain’t No Rest For The Wicked"
I've been at it for the past hour, watching these Youtube clips and reviewing these terrible, terrible songs.. Every other year I've pretty much just posted the worst 20 songs and left it at that, but I decided to try something different this time around. And now, moving from Millionaires to Cage The Elephant, and trying to describe how hopeless I feel.. It's really just meaningless. These songs have achieved in sucking my happiness straight out of me. And no song sucked in 2009 like "Ain't No Rest For The Wicked." Like, holy fucking shit this song sucks. It's worse than that song The Rock did. Judge for yourself.
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