Friday, February 8, 2019



We think 2018 was a fine year for hope and jobs - probably the finest since back in Gulf War times - while it was an adequate year for cash as well.

But speaking of that, we have some huge news: So our neighbor's preparing to move out, and the other day, he casually mentions that he doesn't know what to do with this surplus of hope, jobs, and cash laying around in his backyard. "I was thinking maybe I should donate them to the Goodwill." But then he offers us first dibs at the stash if we can help him move it over to our garage. He said he'd be happy for us to take it off his hands. Can you believe that? It's the largest stash of hope, jobs, and cash that we've ever seen, all kinda stacked up on one of those 48 x 40 pallets that they have at Costco. And it just so happened that the in-laws' left their forklift in our garage last weekend, so we lugged it over to our place. What luck! So anyway, anyone reading this should feel free to stop over anytime if you guys could use any of this stuff. It's a pretty sweet collection of hope, jobs, and cash, and there's more than enough to go around.

60. Belzebong Light the Dankness

They put the word "bong" in their band name. It's crazy that no one else has thought of this yet.

59. The Breeders All Nerve

"You got some nerve calling me on Shabbat." Kim and Kelly have more than just some. Jim has some nerve though, and Josephine has the most nerve. Collectively, the four of them might have all of the nerve.

58. Nine Inch Nails Bad Witch

Long before we got laid off from Buzzfeed, they posted an "article" stating yet another tired observation relating qualities between Trent from Daria and the lead Nine Inch Nail member (whose name is also Trent). We won't link to the "article" because you know how to use a search engine. What the media doesn't want you to know: Diane Nguyen and Daria Morgendorffer are actually the same person. Mere moments away from breaking this earth-shattering story, we all got laid off from Buzzfeed. Coincidence?

57. Nicki Minaj Queen

That very famous song by Queen "Bohemian Rap-Kitties" "meow-meooowwww just killed a meowww..." Everytime it comes on, we're just like "classic..." and just like nodding with our eyes closed. Classic shit man.

56. Terry I’m Terry

It looks like the only place to stream Tim and Eric's short film The Terrys is at ebaumsworld - a website that we did not know still existed.

55. Kristian North The Last Rock n’ Roll Record

So if you lined up every rock and roll record all in a row, this one called dibs on the caboose.

54. Various Artists Turkish Ladies: Female Singers from Turkey (1974 - 1988)

We're surprised we didn't see any 10-year-anniversary thinkpieces on Beyonce's sleeper hit "All the Turkish Ladies."

53. Colter Wall Songs of the Plains

Sing like nobody's listening. That's the outlaw country way. (Actually that's a lie. No one ever said that.)

52. Hailu Mergia Lala Belu

We knew it would take a while to get to the front of the line at the DMV so we set up the PA and blasted the fuck out of Lala Belu. No one was yelling "yo shut the fuck up" but instead they were just nodding their heads like "yo mmm yea oh oooh mmmm."

51. David Nance Group Peaced and Slightly Pulverized

David got the band back together down by the river. Be on my side; I'll be on your side.

50. Yo La Tengo There’s A Riot Going On

You can take Hanukkah out of Maxwell's, but you can't take the Maxwell's out of Hanukkah. Ira, where you at?

49. Bat Fangs Wolfbite

I thought you looked rabid, boy. Now listen close. Get the hell out of my classroom before you infect anyone else with your sickness! You stink of death! Butt-head! This man requires immediate medical attention!

48. Lil Peep Come Over When You’re Sober Part 2

2018 was the year my phone broke, so now Gustav no longer lives in my phone.

47. Exploded View Obey

no you

46. Satanik Goat Ritual & Goat Felch [split EP]

Have you guys seen Kendall Jenner's Instagram poppin' with all these goat sacrifice pics? Satanic virgin goat sacrifice is extremely "in" this year. It's very '90s retro, but definitely on the verge of a huge comeback for 2019. Keep on the look out for this, especially on June 6th at 6AM of this year: the 18th year after the start of the 3rd millennium. Stake my career on this prediction. Get lit. Get ready.

45. Czarface & MF Doom Czarface Meets Metal Face

Babyface meets heelface.

44. Turnstile Time & Space

Complex manifolds.

43. Bongripper Terminal

They put the word "bong" in their band name. It's crazy that no one else has thought of this yet.

42. Fatima And Yet It’s All Love


41. Kids See Ghosts Kids See Ghosts

The Sixth Sense 2

40. Senyawa Sujud

Demon priest

39. Mitski Be the Cowboy

no you

38. Windhand & Satan’s Satyrs [split EP]

Virginia scene rep.

37. Mister Goblin Final Boy

When the frustrations of Finals Week get way too intense and overbearing, there's no need to fear: Finals Boy is here. Oh damn tho, R.I.P. Two Inch. We hardly knew yee. The new era is among us. If you'd like to learn more on this topic, check out the Gatworld EP also posted below.

36. Big Ups Two Parts Together

Goddamnit - not again. R.I.P. Big Ups, we will miss the tomfoolery and shenanigans. Also we just found out Jerry's dead. Where to turn in these trying times? Is Phish still around? The dude on the other side of the coffee shop is creepily staring and nodding "yes" so that means Phish still exists. Not sure how that's possible, but w/e.

35. Optiganally Yours O.Y. In Hi-Fi

Sup Rob.

34. Marlowe Marlowe

"Christopher Marlowe wrote all my plays." - William Shakespeare

33. Courtney Barnett Tell Me How You Really Feel

no you

32. Beach House 7

One day all 7 will die. 7 periods of school, 7 beatings a day, roughly 7 stitches a beating, and eventually 7 years to life.

31. Satan’s Satyrs The Lucky Ones

Not as lucky as you're gonna be.

30. Mariah Carey Caution

Thanks for the warning. **Proceeds with caution.**

29. Protes Bengt In Bengt We Trust

We're confused. Was half of this recorded in 1985 and half in 2018? Is that the story? (We're actually serious. This might be a thing.)

28. Negative Scanner Nose Picker

Huge trend for 2019: All the biggest corporate-ass big-money pop stars begin preparation for album covers that look identical to this one.

27. Year Of The Knife First State Aggression

This band is from Delaware. We did not know music existed there. (Damnit, they pulled this album from Bandcamp over the past week or 2. Stream their other stuff at the link posted below...)

26. Amerie After 4AM

A new way to do Sweat/Suit is to just record one LP worth of stuff and then separate the halves into one party EP and one bedroom EP. So with After 4AM, Amerie's either suggesting "two different moods" or "here's a 2nd EP of stuff that didn't fit onto the one that my record label thought sounded better." So After 4AM might be the "b-sides" or "non-album-tracks" block, effectively aligning itself with the superior quality of other mid-2010s "bonus" sections.
Note: We couldn't find an online stream for this EP, but the other one is on Bandcamp. Both are available at her website:

25. Kamaal Williams The Return

Dress up in your fanciest club attire, and pour a fancy drink, and meander indoors alone, and look at things.

24. Jóhann Jóhannsson Mandy (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)


23. Surface To Air Missive Surface II Air Missive

More fun facts about Surface:
- One of the band members hails from Stamford, Connecticut, a location that Corey Graves recently labelled "the cultural epicenter of the world."
- Despite much confusion, they are not the same band as Surface To Air Missive from Athens, Georgia.

22. Ariana Grande Sweetener

Sweetener is here because the stronger half would have been EP of the year - or it should have been combined with the strongest 6 songs from Thank U Next. Are there plans for Walmart to throw together a special 1-disc release of this type (like that weird Use Your Illusion comp that awkwardly kicks off with "Live And Let Die")? Coulda woulda shoulda.

21. Sheck Wes Mudboy

They're bringing back Mudd Jeans but only for boys age 8-14.
(Fun Fact: That kid Kenny who preferred to be called "Buhhd" (Rudy's friend) was in the "Warm It Up" video. It's probably too soon for fun facts about characters from THAT specific show, but Bud and Rudy never did anything shitty. Leave Bud and Rudy alone.)

20. Fritz Welch A Desire to Push Forward Without Gaining Access to Anything

Jaap Blonk's Flux De Bouche sounds like he means it now more than ever. Cathartic but also drugs.

19. Thingy Morbid Curiosity

Yo Rob, you good?

18. Stove ’s Favorite Friend

If we had to narrow it down to four, our favorite breads of 2018 are probably marble rye, focaccia, olive bread, and (of course) pumpernickel. Baguettes go really well with fresh mozzarella and some olive oil with a dash of salt. It's a tough call though. Really they're all our favorites. It's a tough call.

17. Lil B Options

"Lil B Pardons Carmelo Anthony: No Curse For Carmelo." Aside from Black Ken, this is his most based mixtape since Hoop Life.

16. Uncle Acid & The Deadbeats Wasteland

Allow us to be among the first to tell you how good you look today: We can tell you with certainty that you look especially great today because we can see you right now because you don't have tape over your webcam. You really do look great though.

15. Playboi Carti Die Lit

Polka dot. Ice water.

14. Mamitri Yulith Empress Yonagunisan Yulith Lilith

Warning sticker not shown in photo. "This already sounds like tripping one's balls off. No drugs necessary."

13. Ovlov Tru

Brought to you by Tru By Hilton. Now with more quality, more comfort, and less jizz than ever before.

12. Kali Uchis Isolation

Hello Kali. How's my behbeh? You mean me or the little one? ... I mean both.

11. Mindforce Excalibur

You want some of this: like srsly

10. Kacey Musgraves Golden Hour

"That's the way uh huh uh huh I like it." - Kacey (with the Sunshine Band)

09. Freddie Gibbs Freddie

Contrary to popular belief, Freddie Gibbs named the title of this album after world renowned physicist Frederick "Freddie" Reines (1918-1998), winner of the 1995 Nobel Prize for the neutrino experiment and intimately associated with the discovery of an elementary particle through subsequent thorough investigation of its fundamental properties.

08. Flasher Constant Image

"Hi this is Flasher and you're listening to our favorite radio station DC101 -- all the hits all the time, with Wendy Williams in the afternoon." DC101 were there for Bad Brains and Fugazi. And now they shall soak in the downpour of Flasher. Sky's the limit.

07. Earl Sweatshirt Some Rap Songs

More than just a few rap songs. Those final 5-6 minutes deepen and widen the SRS brood. Seldomly explored territory. Every new Earl record creeps further into the zone of barely decipherable pitch-shifted rhymes warbling over samples of cinder blocks dragged over concrete filtered through 3 or 4 Big Muff pedals. Earl is our "Artist of the Decade" thanks to his TWO "Album of the Year" prizes (2010 & 2013), a top three (2015), and a top 10 (this year, duh).

06. Robyn Honey

Concept albums about the bees are typically reserved for only the dopest and most coolest people in the world of audiovisual entertainment. Shia LaBeouf's new movie Honey Boy got picked up by Amazon for a cool $14 Mil while a new documentary about young impoverished beekeepers called Honeyland helped initiate a GoFundMe to support the film's subjects. 2019 will be the year of the bees, and Hellrazor / Lip Keebler / Dead Wives are humbled to announce that we were years ahead of the curve and influential enough to provide inspiration to good friends like dear Robyn who took our lead and ran with it. We appreciate the nod.

05. Three Knee Deep Wrong World

Matchbox 25 Ta Life. You can't even call this shit a war! Wars end!

04. Sleep The Sciences

The Call of Ktulu. Creepy astronaut, where you at?
Giving new meaning to this meme:

Hell yeah it did!
"I'm sleep." - Earl Sweatshirt

03. No Age Snares Like A Haircut

This time we mean it: Snares actually is their best since Nouns, from the noisiest and greatest verse-chorus rock band of the past 10 years. Welcome back fellas.

02. Windhand Eternal Return

01. Beak> >>>

Yes, that's really what the album is called. The title refers to its greatness being 3 times the size of all others.