snarky responses to pitchfork's 10 big headlines of the week

Oddly, their headlines for this week are about artists that we actually care about, although unsurprisingly it's about stuff that we didn't really need to know.

Kendrick Lamar Announces Album Release Date
OLD NEWS.

Tame Impala Share "Let It Happen", Announce Tour
Nice. Dat hippy trash mob is at it again.

Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck Documentary Trailer Revealed
Oh good. More Nirvana product. We're guaranteeing the DVD isn't released until Black Friday. We don't have time to get excited about stuff we won't be able to experience for 2+ months. We just had to wait over a year for Hotline Miami 2 and that's pretty much all the anticipation we can handle for this decade. Thank God rappers started doing the thing where they just drop their albums without any warning. It's kinda way better that way. We don't wanna know when things are going to happen months and years from now. There's too much Nirvana product. Too much emphasis on idolization. It's just kinda ruining the whole thing. That's not what it was like when Nirvana was around. No one was like "this band will be idolized." They just did their thing and they were dope as fuck. And that's literally it. Kurt surely would have objectively and accurately viewed all of this as bullshit. Where's the movie about that? (Yes of course we're gonna torrent this shit the second it's available.)

Kendrick Lamar Reveals Album Artwork, Title
NEW NEWS. Nice album cover. Somehow it doesn't feel like it took nearly as long for this record to surface.

Kanye West Releases Nudity-Filled Season Zine
I guess it sorta used to be like this with The Beatles, where everything they did became news. We honestly can't think of the last time a Pitchfork-friendly star has been able to attract this much tabloid attention.

Kendrick Lamar Reveals Album Artwork, Title
You don't say?

M.I.A. Shares "Can See Can Do"
Cool. Maybe she's into the meeseeks.

Prince's "Surprise" Hit & Run Tour Coming to the U.S.
Gotta admit we were among the kids whose clicks shot this one up to the #8 position, under the assumption that some where/when info might actually get revealed. But unfortunately, only 1 concert date is included here. The rest is a big mystery.

Jay Z's Bid for Music Streaming Company Accepted
Boring.

Jury Rules Pharrell and Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" Copied Marvin Gaye
Got to give it up for that dumb jury. These guys simply didn't plagiarize. And it mostly sucks since it might eventually affect an artist or band who can't afford to be sued for $7 million, unlike Pharrell and Robin Thicke. Luckily, this is a case where Marvin Gaye's family will receive money from two VERY wealthy mofos: One dude who wrote "Drop It Like It's Hot" and "Rock Your Body" (the song that was performed during the most Tivo'd moment of 2004) and another dude who was literally the IRL Mike Seaver. NBD. It's no "Bittersweet Symphony," although that was certainly an equally egregious instance of non-plagiarism.